being an alien

In Hong Kong I feel so connected, so excited, so invigorated to learn and participate in everyday events. Yet, being unable to speak Cantonese or read traditional character really cuts my ability to fully comprehend and experience. Especially in places of my highest interest, like small eateries, markets and local shops, I am very frustrated that I literally cannot express myself or be treated as a local.

It feels like the sign at the carnival "You must be 'this' tall to ride the roller coaster". I'm just below that designated height allowed...and I have no control! I can see the situation, I can hear it and observe people in it, yet I am not a part of it. I guess it's like being a fish out of water, but I really want to understand land culture- ask questions about life and share experiences I have had. The special places in Hong Kong to eat, to shop, I do not think I will ever be able to fully understand because I did not grow up here, among this hardworking, tight-knit group of people. I have not witnessed the building and demolishing and rebuilding of apartments or malls. I can't say where has the best bubble tea or cheapest lunch is because I don't know the neighborhoods well enough.

It's frustrating and depressing because this is half of who I am. Half of this culture, this city, is in my blood. Yet I cannot read a menu or understand why a Cantonese saying is funny. I cannot control where or how I was raised, and I appreciate every experience I have had thus far, but it is weird to realize I literally am not 'in-tune' with half of myself. That something that is physically a part of me is so alien. I wish I could understand Hong Kong like locals.